im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
