I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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