he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
