Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
