you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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