The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
