when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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