Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
