Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
