Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
