we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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