I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
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Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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