I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
