Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
