Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
