The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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