My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
