You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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