I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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