okay pat passed out under dana's car
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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