You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
