he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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