I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
