I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
