she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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