it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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