Jerry, you need to find god
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
