Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
