I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We had to coat check the pizza.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
