best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
