alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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