you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
