So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
