there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
