You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize