when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
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i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My vagina is officially offended.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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