i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
