i just sent this text using only my big toe
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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