I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
