So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
