just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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