Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
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I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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