If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
COCAINE IS GR8
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
