hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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