Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize