Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
