is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i now understand why vodka
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
