I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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