I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
