You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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