I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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