mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
