see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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