i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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